Every person’s experience of divorce or the dissolution of a civil partnership is different. Those whose spouses/partners leave unexpectedly deal with shock of separation and divorce; those who initiated the separation may experience a range of emotions such as relief, doubt, guilt and profound sadness. In almost all circumstances, divorce/dissolution is traumatic, and the process drawn out and draining. Getting used to and living with divorce/dissolution can last long after the ink has dried on the legal documents.

This page is intended to guide clergy through the sources of support available to them. A corresponding page for clergy spouses and partners can be found here.

For clergy, there is another layer to all of this, which is that the breakdown of their relationship may feel to be a very public experience.

It can be difficult, at a time of such emotional upheaval, to decide what needs to be done and to prioritise those things. Clergy can feel very alone in this, but you do not need to be.

Pastoral support

You may be comfortable with being offered initial pastoral care by your bishop or archdeacon. However, it may be preferable for you to be supported by somebody else, perhaps someone more distanced from your role. It can be very helpful to have someone to speak to who understands the church, can offer pastoral care and also be an advocate for you with Senior Staff.

The Diocese has trained pastoral supporters available, male and female, lay and ordained, from a number of church traditions. Please send an email to clergy.support@london.anglican.org if you would like to explore this option.

A pastoral supporter can be alongside you as you make the necessary decisions involved at this point in your life. They cannot make decisions for you, but they are able to act as a sounding-board, to listen and help you to order your thoughts. They will not give advice but they can help you to identify a range of need that you may have, eg. spiritual, financial, therapeutic. They can help you to plan your immediate and medium-term actions and signpost you to possible sources of assistance.

Therapy/counselling can be extremely helpful during this period of your life. Financial assistance towards this may be available from the Bishop’s or Archdeacon’s Discretionary Fund and your pastoral supporter can help by asking for this on your behalf. Alternatively you may prefer to ask the bishop yourself.

Similarly it might be helpful for you to take compassionate leave at some point. The pastoral supporter can help you to consider what this might look like and support you in making a request to your bishop.

Legal processes

There are three separate processes to undertake in relation to divorce/dissolution: the divorce itself, the financial settlement and any arrangements relating to children. Where couples are able to negotiate these amicably, these matters can be resolved together, with the option of mediation. A helpful guide to the law relating to divorce/dissolution can be found here: gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

Clergy are often concerned about potential disciplinary proceedings when a relationship breaks down. These concerns can make a traumatic experience much worse. People ask under what circumstances divorce or dissolution might lead to a complaint under the Clergy Discipline Measure 2003. Examples where a bishop would need to consider this possibility would be clergy misconduct leading or contributing to divorce, such as adultery, unreasonable behaviour or desertion. But many relationships break down without these things happening and separations are agreed mutually or without accusations of blame on either side. If a complaint was made by the spouse or partner, both parties would have the opportunity to put forward their version of events.

Accommodation

For many clergy, the fact of living in tied accommodation adds to the legal complexities of a divorce.

At some point during the process towards a divorce/dissolution, there will need to be a conversation to agree by what date the clergy spouse/partner will move out, and the bishop should be informed of that date.

If during the period of breakdown but prior to the divorce/dissolution being finalised a member of clergy temporarily leaves the clergy housing provided and the spouse/partner remains in residence, the latter’s entitlement to occupy will end once the divorce has been made final, and the diocese will be able to take possession proceedings to recover possession under s8 of the Housing Act 1988.

The provision of tied accommodation adds a layer of complication to the division of finances. A pastoral supporter will be able to help you to find more information about the implications of this in your circumstances.

In some instances the diocese is able to assist an estranged clergy spouse/partner in finding new accommodation, but this very much depends on their circumstances and the resources available in the diocese at the time.

Other support

Therapeutic, practical and financial support is available from a number of sources when a clergy marriage/civil partnership breaks down. The diocesan website has a page signposting potential sources of grants for clergy. Bishops and Archdeacons have Discretionary Funds. The Sheldon Hub has a private forum for clergy going through divorce. Health Assured is available to clergy and their families and offers access to therapeutic and other support.

Communication

Clergy are required to inform the bishop of their divorce/dissolution within 28 days of the Final Order /dissolution document (see section 34 of the Clergy Discipline Measure 2003 and paragraph 218 of the Code of Conduct).

There is no obligation or specific requirement around who to inform, in the parish or congregation, about the breakdown of the relationship and the divorce/dissolution and at which point. There is certainly no expectation of a public ‘announcement’ to the congregation. However, it will be helpful to both the clergy person and for ongoing relationships if careful consideration is given to what to share with whom and when. Clergy are encouraged to speak to their pastoral supporter or their archdeacon or bishop when making such decisions.

It would be helpful to identify one or two people within the parish – churchwardens or a sympathetic person – to be the designated person to whom any questions are directed by members of the congregation. A clear steer to the parish may be needed if people are overstepping boundaries.

Beyond Divorce

A change in life circumstances as significant as this may well require a change in working patterns too. Revision of working patterns and expectations should be thought through carefully, particularly if there are children involved. This is particularly true for curates and those with less flexibility in their diary. Attendance at residentials will need careful thought and planning. Again the pastoral supporter can act as a sounding board for this reflection. Area Staff will be open to conversations on this issue, to ensure flexibility and clarity of reasonable expectations.

Clergy might expect an increase in pastoral conversations around the breakdown of other people’s relationships as a result of their own situation and may wish to seek therapeutic support to enable them to manage the personal impact and implications of this.

Some clergy express the desire for a liturgy to mark the divorce/dissolution as a helpful step in their journey. This could be discussed with their supporter, spiritual director or archdeacon.

Theological Resource

Clergy are, of course, likely to wrestle with questions about the ending of a relationship from a theological perspective. You might find this article helpful.