In AA Milne’s poem, The good little girl, a girl called Jane wonders why her parents are constantly asking if she has been a good girl.
The incessant questioning makes her think they are suspicious of what she has been up to. What if there were a fifth verse, about Jane going to a children’s group at church on Sunday?
Last Sunday Jane’s mum stood, all anxious, outside.
‘Has she been a good girl?’
‘Has she been a good girl?’
And I, with a smile, her grave misdeeds did hide.
‘Yes, she’s been a good girl.
‘Of course, she’s a good girl?’
So why hide her grave misdeeds?
(I ought to add immediately, that if any child had made a disclosure with safeguarding implications I would not have kept quiet! And if any child had shown signs of distress which a parent needed to know about, I would not have hesitated in revealing all. And if a child consistently disrupted the group time which impacted everyone else, I would take action.)
But a Sunday children’s group at church doesn’t exist primarily to monitor a child’s behaviour on the ‘goodness scale’. Any of us on a Sunday children’s team are looking out for signs that a child wants to know Jesus, that they ask genuinely curious questions, that they want to talk with God. Of course, we want them to enjoy themselves and have fun because being part of a church family shouldn’t be a miserable experience. It is here from a very young age that they experience God’s love through the care of Christians, young and old. Neither entertaining, nor training a child to be good are top priorities.
This parental desire for ‘my child to be good’ may have more to do with parental expectations and anxiety. Parents don’t want their child to cause them embarrassment, to show them up as bad parents, or to let the side down, especially among volunteers – at least at school it’s a teacher’s job to monitor behaviour! No parent wants their child in church to be seen as a ‘problem’. Parents who express such concern may need encouragement and support rather than a judgemental ‘Tut, tut!’ Church is a unique community providing role models and kindness, older children to younger ones, parents to one another.
Such parents may also not have grasped that those who spend time with children in a church context are essentially working in partnership with parents. Generally, parents more than anyone else are responsible for sharing and developing the Christian faith of their children. We need to help parents to share their own faith with their child(ren), to provide every opportunity for them to read about God and to discover how much he loves them. Talking with them after the service and providing resources is a key part of our role.
Three weeks ago, Greta asked me if her 9 and 12 year olds had behaved themselves in the Sunday group. I replied, ‘Of course! And the younger one made a connection between what we talked about this morning with what we discovered last time she was here, three weeks ago. That’s really impressive. And she wanted to pray for her sister.’ Yes, she had been pretty lively in the group with lots of chat, but amidst all that she was engaging with what we talked about God. That was what matters!
As Alice says, ‘It’s time for tea!’ or at least, ‘It’s time for that post-service coffee and chat!’
Anna Giles is a children’s worker in North London