There’s an old joke that starts with a young child asking their mother, ‘Where did I come from?’ The mother nervously launches into an extended explanation of the facts of life – the child listens patiently, and when it’s over, says, wide-eyed, ‘Wow! That’s amazing! Tommy only comes from Leicester!’
No matter how experienced we might be, as parents, children’s workers or clergy, we can all get a bit thrown when a child asks the big questions about life, death, God, heaven and so on. Some of the doozies I’ve been thrown in my time include, ‘Do people who aren’t Christian go to heaven?’, ‘Is the Adam and Eve story true?’, ‘How do you know for sure there’s a God?’, ‘If men and women are equal, how come the Bible says they’re not?’ and many more.
It can be tempting to rush in with a long and complicated answer, like the mother in the joke. I’ve done this myself, throwing the result of years of reading and thinking at the children all at once. But after a few occasions of watching their eyes glaze over, I’ve realised this can be a mistake. Presenting a child or preteen with complicated adult conclusions can rob them of the critical stage of analysis – chewing over a question, trying on different answers, and seeing what makes sense. Tempting as it is to skip over that scary stage of uncertainty and doubt, it’s important that we step back and give children a space to explore the questions themselves, coming up with answers that they’ve tested, found to work, and feel belong to them.
Of course, offering your own beliefs is perfectly all right – but keep it short, and try to offer extra information (eg the Bible was written by people in societies long ago where women didn’t have equal rights) rather than conclusions (eg your own position on the consecration of women as Bishops).
Here are a few ways to help open up discussions on the big questions:
1. Say, ‘That’s a great question – why do you ask?’
This follow-up question might help you figure out what they really want to know. A child may be asking if non-Christians go to heaven because a beloved Jewish relative has just died – this can be important to know in framing your answer. Also, asking a follow-up question gives you some time to think and help formulate a response.
2. Send the question back
‘That’s a great question – what do you think?’ Often, a child will have some thoughts and ideas of their own, and is using the adult as a sounding board for figuring these out. Jesus said our faith should be childlike – if we can let go and trust children the way Jesus did, they can surprise us with their insights.
3. Open the question up
If you’re with a group when the big questions hit, open the question up for discussion: ‘Sarah’s asking why we can’t visit heaven – what do you all think?’ This can be a problem with some groups that have challenging dynamics, but in most groups it’s a great way to start a discussion.
4. Acknowledge disagreement
For example, ‘Some people think the Adam and Eve story really happened. Some people think it didn’t happen exactly that way, but it’s still an important story for understanding God. I wonder what you think.’ Encourage the fact that disagreement – among Christians in general and among their own group – doesn’t mean loss of faith or fellowship.
5. Show our own uncertainty
Preteens can benefit from seeing our own doubts and uncertainties, so when they start asking complicated questions, you can say, ‘You know, I struggle with that too,’ before starting a discussion. I once led a session where we all wrote down questions about God, adults and children alike, and then discussed them – the children eagerly discussed the adults’ questions. My nervousness at abandoning the ‘teacher’ role was forgotten as children ministered to adults and became confident leaders.
The big questions are scary, but they’re also among the most important moments in our ministry. When children ask them, it shows they trust us to help them figure out what life, God, and church are all about. That’s a fantastic privilege, and by fighting the temptation to run in with a pre-packaged answer, we can help them do it in a meaningful way. Though if a child brings you the ‘Where did I come from?’ question, I think it’s OK to say, ‘Ask your parents!’
Margaret Pritchard-Houston is the Children and Youth Worker at St George’s, Campden Hill, in Kensington. She is the author of ‘There is a Season: celebrating the church year with children’ and runs Mustard Seed Kids.