Andrew Corsie (Director of Ministry, Willesden Area) reflects on how pain is part of his journey in finding physical and spiritual balance.
I live with chronic pain.
In many ways I have always done so, especially throughout my adult life. Back pain has been constant since early adulthood, but over the last 10 years, since a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis (MS), pain has really moved in and become a close companion.
The pain is primarily in my legs and reminds me of it’s presence from the moment I place my feet on the floor at the bedside each morning. On a daily basis every step I take is painful – it affects the way I walk (I use a walking stick), with people occasionally asking me; “what’s wrong with you?” – I wonder myself at times! In recent years I have been gradually losing the effectiveness of my right arm – difficult as I am right handed. Becoming left sided seems a natural development, but with exercise, I work on balanced mobility.
‘A Pain Free Life’ is a book that was recommended to me and I read it with interest – I wonder if Jesus took such a book into the wilderness for the period of temptation?! The theory proposes that muscular and joint pain is due to body imbalance. Exercises are suggested which promote skeletal balance. I have been trying these and some improvement is being made. Maybe such balance was crucial to Jesus in resisting temptation?
Perhaps pain is there for a reason? Facing my mortality is important, although not easy to do – I am getting older and cannot hide that truth. Every Ash Wednesday I am reminded that; “from dust you have come, and to dust you shall return.”
With my MS consultant we did talk about pain management and she offered all kinds of medication. Following unsuccessful trial periods, I rejected these because it seemed to be an important way the body speaks to me about what is going on. There is a need to be exposed to life as it comes, and that includes pain. We do make vain attempts to avoid it, by deadening the effects – perhaps that is where addiction comes from, the desire to numb the pain, but it only makes it worse when it returns. Ask any former addict.
Pain is there to remind me, lest I forget, of the importance of balance in my life. Not just physical, but in every area. So, Lent prompts me that repentance is not only about turning away from what is unhealthy, rather about turning towards that which is healthy, holy and for my wellbeing. I try to give attention to a blended life but need regular reminders to make space for it. It is tempting to focus on those things that are easy and comfortable to do or what we are driven towards.
I exercise most days and, if I am honest, discipline myself to engage in a wide range of exercises. I do enjoy resistance training, but avoid cardiovascular work if possible – too much like hard work! There are other areas of my life where imbalance exists too and needs attention. As Jesus says in Matthew’s gospel; when you give financially – don’t make a show of it, when you pray – do it out of sight, when you fast – keep a smile on, live for heavenly not earthly wealth. Maintaining this is vital to healthy and holy living. Thank the Lord that Lent is here – time for repentance and a re-balancing!