Tell them to ‘eff off’. Seriously, that’s my first response.
This is a hard question to answer without the context (I’m one of those people in safeguarding training that always questions the context of scenarios). It’s all about the relationship – as it is with all youth work. Did this young person just come in off the street and say it? Or have you been working with them for years, since they were in nappies? This will dictate how you respond to the situation. Also what about the young person? Are they drunk and want to use your facilities on a Friday night, and you say they can’t? Or was it during a prayer meeting?
Or do they have Tourette’s?
As youth workers, we often meet young people for a couple of hours a week (if we are lucky) in a variety of contexts. The majority of their time is spent elsewhere: home, sleep, school, the park… Those external, other places have an impact on the time that we spend with them; we don’t meet young people in isolation from the rest of their lives.
For example, imagine a young person lives in a two-bed flat with their mother, stepfather and five other children, and they have been trying to do their homework for days, but have been unable to because of distractions and lack of space. You then ask them how their homework is going – they just might explode at you.
Or perhaps they live with their parents, but their parents are at work a lot, early mornings and late evenings. It seems to the young person that their parents only ever nag them. When you innocently ask them to help move the chairs after church, they snap at you.
So what do you do? Well, here are some suggestions. Remember each context is different and we need to read the situation and respond appropriately.
In the moment
In the moment – it is helpful to deflect or change the dynamic so that you can tackle the comment, even if you suggest they go away and think about what they said. You can discuss it later. Refrain from aggressive responses. This is a tough situation, and aggressiveness can have an adverse effect. Maybe young person is looking for an argument. It might just take a ‘look’. Responding by saying ‘eff off’ yourself in a non-aggressive manner might change the dynamics and allow you to:
Question
Question – it would be helpful to understand the context – where has this come from? These things tend not to come out of nowhere. They may just be testing the boundaries of what is acceptable or not. You may choose to pose a direct question or maybe a reflection on an earlier conversation (perhaps they mentioned problems at home) or any other context that you are aware of (they have anger-management problems).
Reflect
Reflect – if you are able, it might be helpful to reflect with the young person on what they think has happened, what the impact might be on you and the different contexts in which we use different language. Also are there any consequences to this? Does your space have some rules about respect or use of language? Do the young people know what these are?
There is definitely a place to challenge aggressive language and swearing. For example, if a young person uses swearing as punctuation, will they be able to refrain from swearing in a job interview? Likewise it’s important to acknowledge and help young people understand that anger is not wrong – we can see examples of Jesus in the Gospels being angry – but that we need to channel it for it to have a positive impact.
James Fawcett is a curator of Concrete youth work and has been a youth worker for more than 12 years.